Drunken Turkey Soup

Ever come home drunk and try to cook? well I do. After a killer dinner at Gotham on Saturday night, I decided, apparently, to attempt turkey soup.

I do not remember this.

After peeling my cottonmouthed, pathetic excuse for a life out of bed, I saunter into the kitchen to get something to drink.

My.kitchen.is.trashed.

a)      There’s turkey everywhere. And I mean everywhere. On the cupboards, behind the toaster, everywhere.

b)      It’s not just turkey meat. We’re talking bones, skin, the works.

c)       I had left the oven on at 450 degrees all night (thanks for getting that, tommy)

But why was the oven on? Apparently I’d decided to dice & roast a lovely mixture of carrots, fennel, celery, leeks & crimini mushrooms for my soup. Imagine, having the clarity of thought to ROAST my vegetables.

I’d also apparently picked through an entire turkey carcass to get the meat for the soup.

Brown rice, roasted veg, beautifully stewed turkey & herbs – I’m good at this.

I can’t help but think that I’m on to something here. Boeuf Bourgignon next weekend?

She's Back, Fatter Than Ever

What the hell? I haven't done this in forever.

I've sort of decided to take a more honest twist on this blogging thing - no holier-than-thou "yay figs!" BS - this is going to be about the good, the nasty, and everything in between.

I'm back in Vancouver, city of wonderful food, and some exceptionally shitty yet amazeballs bullshit.

So here we go, it's back on.

Niche.

Go to this restaurant. keep it alive. i beg of you.

My friend Emi was again nervous to take me to this restaurant for my birthday lunch - i hope by the time she reads this she'll understand that i trust her tastes implicitly!

Niche is a gorgeous little restaurant in an old, beautifully renovated character home Victoria's James Bay.

we were promptly seated in a cute little table by the window - having a look at the menu, i noticed each menu item was typically three words - like beef, beets, blue or risotto, duck, nettles.

i think i ordered fish, cream, fennel or something (what i guessed to be a chowder) along with risotto, duck, nettles and chocolate, rhubarb, mint for dessert.

the soup that i got was the best fish chowder i have ever had ANYWHERE. cream, perfectly cooked white fish, fennel, pernod, maybe some white wine - the point is the stock was absolutely fantastic. SO good.

my main came, which was a risotto with a duck leg confit (duck slow cooked in its own fat until its super tender then roasted crispy) with stinging nettles and grated grana padano - this was also probably one of the best risottos i've ever had.

i'm a sucker for 3 things on any menu - chowder, duck, and lamb. occasionally crab cakes but i've been burnt so many times with those you hafta build up my trust before i'll order them.

Their chowder was amazing and the duck melted in my mouth - so far so good. Dessert came - a beautiful minted firm-set ganache (mixture of dark chocolate and cream) served with a rhubarb compote. it was delicious.

what's more? all three courses for $18. even my favorite little bistro in Vancouver, Cassis, was blown out of the water on both taste and price point.

so i went back again, this time for dinner, with the worst food critic of all - my waspy eightysomething grandmother. hunched in all her glory, white hair and neck wottle, we sit down.

after looking at the menu for a minute or two she throws her hands up in the air and tells me to order for her. now this is a behavioral indicator that can really go to one of two extremes: pie-eyed enjoyment, or, in one instance a face full of sesame sauce for one unfortunate chef at the local teppanyaki house.

I ordered her a seafood risotto, a seared tuna loin in shiitake broth and the never-ending dessert platter.

for myself the oxtail ravioli, seared duck breast with truffled israeli couscous and also the dessert platter.

if i was going to get through the flapping neck wottle and slurping i'd need a lot of wine. and so i had it. may i say, a nice selection.

The risotto comes for my grandmother and i get the ravioli, served in a gazpacho sauce. this ravioli was hands down the richest, most amazing ravioli EVER. the oxtail was SO tender and the sauce was perfect. Oxtail is amazing when braised - much like short ribs or shanks, my favorites.

i went to take a bite of my grandmother's risotto and was deflected by her fork - for a minute there i thought she might take out her dentures and faceplant.

the mains came - my duck was good, as was her tuna - both perfectly cooked. the truffled israeli couscous was fantastic.

dessert. oh my god, dessert. home-made vanilla panna cotta. a home-made cinnamon doughnut. more home-made strawberry ice cream, an incredible chocolate ganache and a beautiful rhubarb tart. remember those pie-eyes i was talking about? yep. my grandmother was in heaven. everything on that plate was absolutely fantastic. amazing.

so why am i asking you to keep this place alive? it's never been busy when i'm in there. never more than a few tables, and i think this is hands-down the best restaurant in Victoria. Even critiquing in Vancouver as much as i have - compared to Lumiere, Vij's, i still think Niche comes out on top.

orgasm. sigh. hankie.

I give Niche a full five out of five.

225 Quebec Street
Victoria, BC V8V 1W2

Mo:Lé - something for everyone?

Where meat eaters and vegans agree to disagree

My friend Emi was nervous about taking me to Mo:Lé for the first time, as a) she knew i was a bitch about food and b) she knew vegans annoy me.

However, that being said i met her there for brunch one saturday afternoon - the surroundings reminded me of Caffé Barney in Vancouver - exposed brick walls, art for sale and twenty-something hipsters slinging bennies and mimosas like nobody's business.

The brunch menu is very well thought out, offering bacontastic choices for the meat-eating fat girl folk such as myself, as well as a very comprehensive list of tasty vegan items. tasty vegan items? I KNOW! as if.

I pondered the menu for awhile, honestly unsure what to order - in the end the Huevos Rancheros got me. Admittedly i'm as terrified of ordering Huevos Rancheros in a restaurant as pasta; it's usually fucked up and slopped on a plate with no love.

These Huevos, however, were different. VERY different. beautiful beans, perfectly cooked eggs, salsa, sour cream, sliced avocado, even a grilled apple. but what was the clincher? the in-house made tortillas. i instantly flashed back to my childhood - sitting in the kitchen eating Olivia's huevos. (Olivia is my friend Jeff's mexican mom). Instantly i was in love.

I hate to say it Olivia, but those Huevos at Mo:Lé are even better than yours. not by a lot, but they are. amazing.

I went back to Mo:Lé a second time to try something vegan on the menu - while i enjoy various dead animals as much as the next cold blooded eater, i also enjoy a vegan dish from time to time.

They have a stuffed avocado salad that is literally an entire avocado stuffed with sesame orange mushrooms. a whole avocado. fat girl vegan. PERFECT!

So far Mo:Lé is in my golden books. I did, however, go for dinner and have their cooked tasting menu which needed a bit more thought; an incredibly overcooked bbq brisket all but ruined what was a previously enjoyable meal.

Nontheless i am impressed with Mo:Lé at the end of the day and give it a solid 4 out of 5!

554 Pandora Avenue, Victoria, BC

Victoria's Bard & Banker

Men in Kilts. Scotch. Beer. Chowder.

The Penny Farthing. Irish Times. And now, the Bard & Banker.

The Victoria Pub Company is well renowned for some of the best pubs in town - the Penny Farthing and Irish Times are packed on any given day, and known all over town for some of the best pub food there is. With each pub that opens the decor is far above and beyond that of the pub prior - when Irish Times opened is was by far the nicest pub in town. The Bard and Banker has again raised that bar.

Roughly eleven million dollars was spent on renovating one of Victoria's most recognizable and beautiful heritage buildings on Government Street - the former christmas store.

There is marble everywhere - beautiful brass, molding, leather. The detailing is fantastic and the bar pulls are the nicest i've ever seen anywhere.

The Bard and Banker is easily the most beautiful dining establishment I've ever seen.

I've probably been ten times in the last month alone - i just can't get enough. The ambiance is great, it's gorgeous, the wait staff is friendly and the pricing isn't bad (considering the surroundings, anyway).

The food. I'm a bit of a chowder aficionado, and suffice it to say their clam chowder is some of the best i've had anywhere - even superior to the crab & Guiness bisque at Irish Times. A) it's full of bacon. B) it's full of cream. C) it has the fresh kick of green onion and D) it comes with home made bread. what more could you ask for?

The other menu items are also pretty great, although i would like to see less deviation from the theme of the restaurant itself. There are a wide selection of fresh oysters, sandwiches, salads and pizza, but my favorites are the UK faves like shiraz braised lamb shank shepherd's pie & fish & chips with minted peas.

I've gotta give this place a 4.5 out of 5 - i mean if i've been back as many times as i have, it's got to be good.

1022 Government Street, Victoria, BC

Get Blueberried.

Best. Salad. Ever.

this salad can only REALLY be made in the summertime - when blueberries are in season and delicious. You can swap out the blueberries for sliced strawberries if you like, not quite as good but still amazing. the salad is full of antioxidants in the blueberries, as well as omega-3 fatty acids from the flax oil which adds a great nutty taste to the dressing.

salad
2 small boxes mesclun greens (mixed baby greens)
1 pack pea shoots
1 pack sunflower sprouts
1 small box fresh organic blueberries
1 cup chopped pecans
1/4 cup white sugar
2 small packages of chevre (soft goat cheese)

dressing
1/3 cup apple cider vinegar
2/3 cup canola oil
1/3 cup flax oil
2 heaping tbsp grainy mustard
salt & pepper to taste
1 tbsp white sugar

mix the greens, pea shoots and sprouts in a large bowl, cover with paper towel and refrigerate. throw the pecans into a strainer and shake them around to remove any excess skins that may be stuck - now put them into a dry saute pan with the sugar, and set the heat to medium high. you will see the sugar start to melt - the key is to keep everything moving while you take the pan on and off the heat. keep turning the nuts for 5 minutes or so until they become brown and caremelized and no visible sugar crystals are left. set the nuts aside on a plate to cool.

in a medium bowl, spoon the mustard & sugar and whisk vigorously to combine. now add the vinegar, and slowly drizzle the oil in. the mustard should keep the oil & vinegar emulsified - keep whisking! your arm might get tired but you'll end up with a nice thick dressing. now season with salt and pepper to taste and set aside.

sparingly ad the dressing to the greens, tossing lightly until the greens are lightly dressed. trust your tastebuds! the last thing you want is an over dressed salad.

when you're happy, pile the greens on each plate, then crumble goat cheese and the candied nuts over top and scatter fresh blueberries in the mix.

this is one of the best salads you'll ever have! i swearz it.

No Name: Not Just Sub-Par Supermarket Branding

Boston! Home of Harvard, MIT, a Hilarious Accent and SCROD.

Boston - when i was told i'd be going on a business trip i was pretty excited - i'd never been there before, and i was dying to hear that accent live. it's a beautiful city - the accent is every bit as hilarious as i'd hoped. at the end of the day however, a city for me is very much measured by its food.

we'd been recommended No-Name - a local seafood joint right in the Boston Seaport - by both the hotel we were staying at as well as local cabbies. and off we go. when we arrive it's packed and there's a lineup - always a good sign. the place it a total dive, but as ar many hidden gems. there are plaques all over the wall naming No-Name the best seafood in the city. i'm stoked.

the menu is small. whole lobsters, crab, shrimp, clams & scrod. i had no idea what scrod was - must be an east coast thing? anyway, they're famous for their scrod chowder. sounds good to me! we (me and my lucky coworkers) all order a cup of the chowder and various menu items.

After we place our order a waitress comes by with a saucer piled high with what looks to be garlic bread. garlic bread that had been sat on by a fat girl. 3 days ago. then put in the oven for a bit and smeared with country crock and garlic salt.

ok, ok. we're in a seafood restaurant, not a bakery? i ate like three pieces of it anyway.

here comes the chowder! it's like fish milk with red grease on top - in the bottom of the bowl is basically fish that must have been blown out of the ocean with dynamite. hrmm, and this place is FAMOUS for this stuff?

i look around - the place is packed with local bostonians - police officers, and that accent can be heard everywhere - oh, Boston. where did you go wrong? the meal was on my employer's dollar however, and my boss was present so i pretended like i loved it! (oh kyle. i know. never reduce yourself to such things)

anyway, we all smiled and meekly gulped back our hot fish milk. then the REAL meal arrives. I had ordered sauteed seafood with veggies - what i get is squid, scrod & shrimp on a bed of frozen veggies drowned in more delicious country crock!

the squid. i have never seen squid cooked to the point of caramelization before, and suffice it to say it was like chewing on that ring on the base of a condom. covered in margarine. and yes, i ate it all. boss was there, after all. the shrimps were awful - and the scrod. i'm not really sure what the scrod was. it was flaky, it was basically just unidentifiable. i actually began to think that perhaps No-Name went "fishing" in the dumpster behind tony roma's. maybe red lobster. everyone else's meals were equally delicious.

fuck. if the place couldn't even put enough effort in to name itself that should have put up a red flag about the food.

at this point none of us can take it anymore, and we give in to the disaster of a meal we've all had the unfortunate experience of sharing together. i am now so full of condom squids at this point i can barely move.

we eagerly settle the tab and get the hell out, warning would-be diners waiting in line as we go.

but what exactly IS scrod? one of my co-workers decides to investigate the matter.

Scrod: any unidentifiable, edible white fish.

when, exactly, is the fish unidentifiable? are they simply throwing dynamite in the ocean and scooping up what floats to the top, like previously mentioned? or even worse, are dumpsters truly being dived?

Thankfully Boston regained my culinary confidence with some amazing meals following that night - however if you're in Boston, there is one rule to follow.

DON'T ORDER THE SCROD.

The Trump Card.

Every now and then you surprise yourself with your cooking. whether you've successfully made toast, boiled water, or prepared a seven course tasting menu, there are meals we can all take pride in.

This one is mine. simple, albeit time-consuming. it's worth the wait.

on a date? going to cook? this'll get their pants off.

Kyle's Cabernet Braised Short Ribs with New Potato, horseradish & Goat Cheese Mash & Roasted Asparagus

4 English-Cut Bone-In short ribs (the square cut)
1 bottle cabernet sauvignon
1 litre low sodium beef stock
1 large carrot, small dice
2 celery sticks, small dice
1 large onion, small dice
1 bunch rosemary
1 bunch thyme
2 bay leaves

4 yukon gold potatoes
butter
cream
prepared horseradish
fresh parsley
goat cheese

1 bunch asparagus
olive oil
salt & pepper

In a large pot, heat some vegetable oil on med-high heat until almost smoking. add short ribs, and sear on all sides until nice and brown. set aside.

add the carrots, onions and celery to the same pan, and scrape the bottom of the pan to get all the tasty brown bits up from the bottom. saute for about 5 minutes, or until onions are translucent.

now, add the ribs back to the pan, along with about 1/2 the bottle of cabernet, around 2/3 of the beef stock, the rosemary, thyme and bay leaves (just leave the herbs whole)

it is very important to not add salt or pepper at this stage!!!!

place in a 325 degree oven for 3.5 hours.

remove ribs from pot, set aside with a little bit of the broth and a good pinch of salt & pepper.

now, strain the broth, and put it back into the pan on high heat to reduce. at the same time, set the potatoes on to boil. now's a good time to trim your asparagus, douse with olive oil, salt & pepper and lay into a roasting pan.

keep an eye on your reducing broth. you want it to reduce a LOT. reduce it to a syrup that will just coat the back of a spoon. now taste it. fantastic, right? probably the best sauce ever.

your potatoes should be done by now. if you have a ricer, pass them through it for perfect mashed potatoes.

throw your asparagus in the oven at 450 degrees.

don't get your date to mash the potatoes. that's rude.

anyway, mash your taters, add butter and cream and chopped parsley and a good nob of goat cheese. taste taste taste. learn what you like and be the judge of how much of these things you want. more cream and butter is ALWAYS a good thing.

by the time your potatoes are mashed and tasty, your asparagus should be browned around the edges and cooked through. turn the oven off and throw the short ribs in for a minute or two to re-heat.

now, to plate.

a spoonful of potatoes on the bottom of the plate - lay the short ribs (how tender are they?!?!) over top of the potatoes, asparagus again laid in between or under or however you like. now spoon the reduction sauce around the plate.

this meal will be one to remember.

see creme brulee recipe for dessert. or the roasted figs. mmm.

work it out.

work off that christmas pudding (this is for you, Paul)

just douse your christmas cake in sherry, melted apricot jam, and then marzipan? gonna ice it, too?

for the rest of us that eat normal, non-british sweets around christmas time, change that to pastries, cookies, cake, chocolate, whatever.

the point is you're fat.

or you're gonna be. don't even try to count calories at this time of year - sweating and biting your nails in front of that slop trough filled with christmas goodness is perhaps more repulsive than burying your head in it. siphon gravy down your gullet. i think maternity pants look great on men OR women anyway.

so you've put on a little husk, spare tire or full-blown gunt. perhaps you've gone and overdone yourself with my last post.

now ya gotta get rid of it.

go to the gym. do it. that's all i'm gonna say.

change your goddamn eating habits, too. all those chocolates and desserts and things you have left from christmas? not gonna be good to have in the house. see my previous post - fat-girl it GONE if you have to (i hate throwing away food so i just eat it) or you could flush it down the toilet or something.

now that's gone - time to smarten up & sort your life out.

you can eat healthy without eating chicken breasts & brown rice every day. Soba noodles are a japanese buckwheat noodle that is made from the whole grain - super nutritious, plus it's a noodle, not hard, tasteless prolonged suicide. Salmon is full of omega 3's and is good for your fat heart.

maple miso grilled salmon on cold soba noodle salad with chinese greens

**salmon**

2 6 oz salmon fillets
1/3 cup miso
1/3 cup maple syrup (no ms. butterworth's here, pls)
2 tbsp rice wine vinegar
3 tbsp soy sauce

mix miso, maple syrup, vinegar & soy in a bowl - whisk until combined and pour over salmon. refrigerate for 2 to 3 hours.


**soba noodle salad**

1 package japanese soba noodles
1 red bell pepper
1/2 cup black sesame seeds (or white if you're boring)
1/2 lb shiitake mushrooms, stem removed & sliced
1/4 head nappa cabbage, thinly sliced
1/2 package snow peas, julienned
4 green onions, sliced
1 carrot, julienned
2 tbsp sesame oil
1/3 cup rice wine vinegar
2 tbsp fish sauce
sliced chilis (optional)

toast sesame seeds in a pan until they start to crackle and smell like sesame seeds. set aside.

in a hot saute pan, add shiitake mushrooms with a little bit of canola oil, saute until just browned. set aside.

cook soba noodles according to package directions. rinse well under cold water to stop the cooking process.

in a large bowl, combine noodles, vegetables, sesame seeds & sauce. note - your sense of taste is important here - add more vinegar or fish sauce or even sesame oil as you see fit (although be careful, it's strong)

cover and refrigerate for 2 to 3 hours.

now, heat up your bbq (or your broiler, or even a grill pan) to REALLY high heat.

oil the grill with a rag or paper towel.

remove salmon from glaze, place on grill. 1.5 min per side should be plenty of time, depending on the thickness of your salmon. trust your senses. you're looking for it to get just a little bit burnt around the edges without becoming overcooked - this is why it is so important for the grill to be HOT. you want caramelized glaze on that salmon.

carefully remove fish from grill and loosely slice. place in bowl on top of chilled soba salad - garnish with some more sesame seeds, green onion & sliced chilis.

now dig in, not-so-fat girl.

eat your emotions.

rough day?

well... that entitles you to a fat girl night. the nuances of fat girl-ism are complex and difficult to master; however leave it to me to guide you down the right path. for at least one night, anyway.

you've gotta be on your couch. for a WHILE. make your way to your local blockbuster with the following guideline:

dumped? julia roberts movies. fired? diane keaton. confusing lesbian urges? jodie foster.

get at least three of each movie. if you have a mini fridge, roll it over to your couch. a microwave is also convenient when located within 3 feet of said flop zone.

now, the flop zone itself - large couch. must be comfy. if you're really serious about having a fat girl night i would suggest putting a layered covering of garbage bags and/or tarp down on said couch to protect the fabric. it also helps if you REALLY don't want to get up to go to the bathroom and have an "accident".*

*note - acts of aforementioned defecation are in no way the liability of the blogger; wallow at your own risk.

fat girl food.

you're going to need all the groups. the cold group, the cheesy group, the creamy group, the candy group, the chocolate group, and the crispy group; divided into two categories - pastries and chips.

my best friend tommy and i very successfully fat girl'd with the following on the menu:

2 delisio rising crust pizzas, various meats
12 cans cream soda
one large bag doritos sweet chili heat
one large bag all-dressed ruffles
12 apple turnovers
one large container Skor ice cream
one large cheesecake

this was a difficult one for both of us; the constant sugar highs/lows meant we each fell asleep roughly 3 times between two movies. i would suggest sticking to DIET soda to ensure maximum consciousness endurance.

ice cream.

if you're a fat girl purist you're going to stick to ice cream. there is nothing wrong with this, however gourmet ice cream is the way to go. and in my world, there's nothing better than ben & gerry's.

my personal fave? cherry garcia.

try them all. pick your own. it's worth it.

now fat girl, enjoy. only for one night. if you find a ham sandwich under your boob a week from now i'm not responsible.

culinary training in a bottle.

well not really. but simple asian stir-fries are easy, tasty and GOOD for you. step outside the comfort zone a little - can the bottled teriyaki and try something new. thai sweet chili sauce is sweet, tangy, a little spicy and GOOD.

there are a few asian pantry ingredients you should always have around to whip up a good stir fry on the fly.

soy sauce
rice wine vinegar
toasted sesame oil
sweet chili sauce
black bean sauce
miso paste
corn starch
a big pice of ginger (freeze it!)
FRESH garlic. no pastes or powders, please.
sesame seeds

With those ingredients on hand you'll be able to make a ton of diffeent things with just a piece of meat, rice and veggies. easy easy.

Sweet Thai Chili Chicken with Sesame Jasmine Rice & Black Bean Greens
it takes 20 minutes to make. no kidding.

1 cup jasmine rice
2 tsp toasted sesame oil
1/4 cup rice vinegar
1 tbsp sugar
1 1/4 cup water
1 tsp salt

2 chicken breasts, diced into 3/4 inch pieces
3/4 cup sweet chili sauce
1 tsp salt

2 cups broccoli florets or Gai Lan (chinese broccoli) cut into large bite size pieces
roughly 2 cups baby or shanghai bok choy
1 clove garlic
1/4 cup water
1 tbsp black bean sauce (if contains whole beans) or 2 tbsp smooth sauce

mix rice, rice vinegar, sugar, sesame oil & salt in a saucepan - heat on high until boiling, cover with lid and set on low heat for 15 minutes.

when about 5 min remaining, saute chicken on medium-high heat in a little canola oil. once chicken mostly browned, add chili sauce. now turn a large saute pan on high heat (make sure it has a lid)

the rice timer will go off. turn off the heat. your chicken will be bubbling in the sauce - NOW, add the broccoli to the hot pan, let it blacken a tiny bit. now add bok choy & water. throw the lid on for 1 minute and let it steam away! now remove lid and add garlic & black bean sauce. saute for an additional minute.

serve rice into bowls, and serve chicken & veggies on separate sides of the bowl. add a little more chili sauce to the chicken if you like. garnish with sliced green onion & sesame seeds.

DONE!

when headphones are bad.

KYYYL... not in the elevator.

ever fart in public? well i do. won't get into the nitty gritties of it but sometimes it can almost be a sport of sorts. (e-mail me if you want the rules)

so anyway, i'm on my way to work at my brand new job the other morning, with extra-bassy dance music blaring in my ears. i'm in the elevator on the way up, and the urge to break wind is upon me. now it was early, i hadn't had my coffee and i suppose therefore lacked the cognisant thought to prevent myself from doing so. so i fart. in the elevator. i thought i had gotten away with it. clearly i hadn't. to my horror, 3 people in the elevator look at me, red-faced as if suppressing a laugh. one woman was horrified.

if ever in my life i could have willed myself to die it would have been then. thank god they weren't on my floor.

chipotle chicken chili

approx. 4lb chicken thighs, cut into chunks
2 cans black beans
1 can kidney beans
1 can pinto beans
3 roasted red peppers, diced
1 yellow pepper, diced
2 carrots, finely diced
2 stalks celery, finely diced
2 (or one very large) onion, finely diced
2 standard bags chili powder
1 litre chicken stock
1 can chipotle peppers in adobo sauce
4 tbsp cumin
salt & pepper
1 bunch cilantro
1 lime
8 cloves garlic, minced
1lb mushrooms, pureed in food procesor (optional)

saute chicken until golden brown. add all vegetables. add chili powder, cumin and minced chipotle peppers. add beans, stock & mushrooms.

simmer on medium-low heat for 4 hours.

remove from heat, add chopped cilantro & juice of 1 lime.

feeds a lot. good for freezing. serve with shredded cheese and crushed tortilla chips.

'nuff said

this is why nobody will have sex with rachel ray

fat man don't want cheerios.

neither does your family.

try something different for christmas breakfast. kinda like french toast. kinda not. kinda better.

it's a baked bread custard... sweet and french toast-like on the bottom, crispy, crusty and caramelized on top, with vanilla, cranberry... mmmm. so good. what's more? you can make it the night before then pop it in the oven christmas morning.

cinnamon toast strata with maple cranberry apple topping.

2 loaves crusty sweet bread (like a raisin bread or cranberry nut bread or something good from a GOOD bakery) - you can also use really crusty french bread if you need to.

1/2 lb butter
1 litre half & half
6 eggs
3/4 cup sugar
2 tsp cinnamon
fresh nutmeg
1 vanilla bean (or 1 tbsp vanilla extract)
pinch salt
1/2 cup demerara sugar

topping
2 granny smith apples peeled, cored & sliced
1 cup maple syrup
1 cup orange juice
1/2 cup dried cranberries
2 tsp corn starch

slice the bread into toast-size width. mix butter with 1/2 cup sugar and 1 tsp cinnamon - make sandwiches with the bread and cinnamon butter. slice the sandwiches on the diagonal, and lay them in a baking pan. make sure there are lots of pokey bits and edges on top - those are the parts that get crispy and golden. the pan should be filled with sandwiches that are somewhat tightly packed.

mix cream, eggs, vanilla bean, remaining sugar & cinnamon. add a bit of grated fresh nutmeg. pour custard over top of sliced bread, top with demerara sugar. you can leave this overnight if need be.

christmas morning, bake at 350 degrees for approx. 1 hour or until custard has set and top is golden brown. it smells AMAZING.

to make the topping, combine all ingredients (except corn starch) in a saucepan and bring to a boil. simmer until apples are cooked, then mix corn starch with 1-2 tbsp water and add to simmering pot. stir quickly to thicken.

to serve, spoon portions from pan onto plate and cover with topping.

SO good.

starbucks psychosis.

i want to try something else, i really do...

...i just can't. what if i order isn't as good as what i always get? when i go to starbucks i sweat. i desperately attempt to muster up the courage to order something else. what if that eggnog latte isn't as good as my grande 3 pump hazelnut 1 pump white mocha americano with room, topped up with half and half?

starbucks isn't the best coffee. i'm well aware of this, so before you start preaching about how free-trade organic micro-roasteries are SO much better, take a deep breath, hippie. you're addicted to coffee. i happen to be able to get my drink anywhere. and i don't smell like patchouli.

so tommy (my best friend) makes me try an eggnog latte the other day. he has been the only person in 5 years to ever get me to try anything else.

i liked it. i really did. an eggnog latte, of all things. i assumed it would be offensive. it wasn't. sucked it back like a fat girl with a can of reddi-whip.

tommy. i love you.

i still sweat when i go to starbucks.

CHOCOHOTOPOTS!

Nigella Lawson - my one true love.

i would have your babies.

Nigella Lawson is a domestic goddess. she even has a book entitled "how to be a domestic goddess" - 'nuff said. big boobs. big ass. cute british accent. that's enough for me already.

the way she talks about food, however - she makes up words like "squadgingly" has sincere passion in her voice and eyes as she talks about food. and those eyes. nigella lawson looks at the camera with the most lustful sex eyes i have ever seen. her shows are filled with sexual inuendo and orifice-gorging. every show ends with her sneaking into the fridge in the middle of the night scarfing something. we see that carrot in your pocket nigella, you dirty girl.

moreover, nigella has no chef training whatsoever. no knife skills. just passion and love. she makes horrific messes and lacks technique. her dishes are inspired and exploratory. she does it because she loves it. and THAT is why i truly love her.

"i enjoy a bit of honey drizzled on my peach"

what a surprise, nigella.

i love you.

Thai Food! part one

the south china seas trading company: mecca for kyle.

a hidden stall in the granville island market, the south china seas trading company carries all kinds of phenomenal, rare ingredients you can't find in any supermarket. perfect for making authentic thai food.

kaffir (also known as magrut) limes. fresh lime leaves. galangal. lemongrass. thai basil. chiles. curry pastes. fish sauce. all fairly intimidating, unfamiliar ingredients. step outside your comfort zone! experiment and trust your senses. smell. taste. touch. they won't steer you wrong. and more than anything, don't be afraid to ask questions. the staff at south china seas are knowledgeable and helpful.

kyle's red thai curry seafood soup with blackened greens

what you'll need:

1 pound prawns (shells on)
8 large scallops
1 can coconut cream
1 can coconut milk
2 litres chicken stock
3 tbsp fish sauce (or more to taste)
1 small (thumb-sized) piece galangal
1 small (thumb-sized) piece ginger
3 tbsp red curry paste
2 stalks lemon grass
1 bunch fresh cilantro
1 bunch fresh thai basil
1 package lime leaves
2 kaffir limes
2 normal limes
4 small red thai chiles
1 large red bell pepper, julienned
1 pack snow peas, stringed & julienned
1 bunch gai lan (chinese broccoli)
1 package rice noodles, thin width.

a note on ingredients: they're all readily available at the granville island market at any given time. galangal is a relative of ginger with a medicinal aroma. kaffir limes are meant to be ugly. they look like the lie that was forgotten about for a few weeks - they're prized for their zest. fish sauce is basically sardines packed in salt & left in the sun for a few weeks. it stinks, but doesn't taste bad - it adds a great salty depth to this broth and is absolutely necessary - fish sauce is one of the defining flavors in thai food.

mise en place (everything in its place) is incredibly important for this recipe. do as much chopping & slicing as you can, and set all your ingredients on plates for easy access as you cook.

first, peel & de-vein your shrimp by running your knife just along the back & pulling out their digestive tract (it's not actually a vein)

save your shells!

add a bit of canola oil to a large pot and set to high heat. add curry paste & saute for approx 1 minute. add stock, coconut milk & coconut cream. add fish sauce & shrimp shells. bruise lemongrass with the back of a knife & slice finely. tear 10 lime leaves into broth. zest both kaffir limes into broth. slice 2 1/4 inch slices of both ginger & galangal, add to broth.

bring the mixture to a boil and then simmer on medium-low heat for 1 hour. strain broth to remove shells, lemongrass, etc. add broth back to pot. continue to simmer.

now put a saute pan (with a lid) on maximum heat and let it get REALLY hot. add gai lan to pan, without oil, and stir around to let the leaves start to blacken. add 1/4 cup of water and cover, steam will shoot everywhere and be really exciting!let steam for approx. 1 minute. gai lan should be just cooked - if not continue to steam until al dente. run immediately under cool water and set aside on paper towel to drain.

now, timing at this stage is everything. heat your oven to 450 degrees.

put a pot of water on to boil, to cook your rice noodles. also place the same saute pan back on high heat with a little bit of canola oil. just before your water is about to boil, add scallops to saute pan. about 30 seconds per side - the scallops should be seared nicely. place scallops in oven, put noodles in boiling water. once the noodles have been in for 1 minute, add shrimp to broth. your scallops, noodles & shrimps will all be cooked at the same time - remove scallops from oven & turn off broth. now juice 2 limes into the broth right before serving.

to serve:

lay noodles into 4 bowls. add blackened greens on top, with raw, sliced bell pepper & snow peas. ladle broth & shrimps over top. garnish with chopped fresh cilantro, thai basil & chiles.

i don't want to see this. ever.

why i hate canadian tire

creme brulee? says the bear.

so my mother has kind of always had this thing against canadian tire; sort of a blood vendetta if you will. growing up we never went there, and as such i had mixed feelings when i discovered the closest place to buy a blow torch was canadian tire.

why a blow torch? nothing makes creme brulee easier or adds more of a "wow" factor. and so off to canadian tire i went.

now, this may shock and surprise you, but i'm gay. and as a gay man i didn't want to stick out in canadian tire like a sore thumb. so naturally i dressed up in my straightest of straight man hoodies, jeans, & ball cap. perfect.

i arrive at the doors and nervously step inside. canadian tire was no less than a miraculous wonderland of kitchen supplies, camping gear and, uh... tires? despite my lack of descriptive genius i was nontheless impressed.

i approach the nearest employee and inquire where i may find the blow torch section. "oh, you'll want camping, aisle 28" - what a friendly, well-informed staff member. eagerly, i make my way to the sign marked "28" just around the corner.

i arrive in the camping section, with a wide variety of propane and propane accessories to be found. lanterns, cook stoves, just about any camping essential you could need. however, no torches. i look high and low for about 10 minutes to no avail. thanfully i see a button marked "press for help" on the wall. i press it, and hear a little chime calling someone over to help on the loudpeaker. another 10 minutes goes by. i press it again. 5 more minutes. this button sucks.

finally the same guy who directed me here in the first place shuffles his way over to help. suddenly, an old man flies out of nowhere like a bat out of hell. excited, he asked the attendant about beebee guns for his grandson. about 13 minutes or so into his drawn out beebee gun conversation, we find out he actually doesn't have a grandson, but he'd like to know which beebee gun would take out an eye just in case he ever DID have a grandson. i assume he shuffled off to die.

finally the attendant is mine again. i clarify that i was indeed looking for a blowtorch when he blurts out "OH, you want propane TORCHES! - aisle 5."

i fucking hate you canadian tire guy. i hate you so much.

so i make my way to aisle 5. there, clearly marked i find the propane torch i'm looking for. bingo, it's time to get out of here. now i should have mentioned previously that i was shopping on december 23rd, and my creme brulee was for christmas dinner. suffice it to say the store was fairly busy. i take my place at the end of a needlessly long lineup and wait for 15 minutes or so until i make it to the front of the line. bear in mind i have been in canadian tire for about 45 minutes now just to pick up a blowtorch. as i make my way to the cashier, i eagerly hand her my debit card. "oh, i'm sorry sir. our debit machine at this till is down"

you bitch. you never said a thing. i hate you so much right now.

she directs me to another till with an even longer line. another 20 minutes of waiting goes by, and i finally make my way to the cashier. i hand the giant, gruff bear-ish man my debit card and he swipes it through. i enter my PIN number as he looks at me, looks at the blow torch, eyes me up and down and with a sneer on his face says "pfft... creme brulee?"


1 litre heavy cream
1 vanilla bean, split and scraped
1 cup vanilla sugar, divided
6 large egg yolks
2 litres hot water

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F.

Place the cream, vanilla bean and its pulp into a medium saucepan set over medium-high heat and bring to a boil. Remove from the heat, cover and allow to sit for 15 minutes. Remove the vanilla bean and reserve for another use.

In a medium bowl, whisk together 1/2 cup sugar and the egg yolks until well blended and it just starts to lighten in color. Add the cream a little at a time, stirring continually. Pour the liquid into 6 (7 to 8-ounce) ramekins. Place the ramekins into a large cake pan or roasting pan. Pour enough hot water into the pan to come halfway up the sides of the ramekins. Bake just until the creme brulee is set, but still trembling in the center, approximately 40 to 45 minutes. Remove the ramekins from the roasting pan and refrigerate for at least 2 hours and up to 3 days.

Remove the creme brulee from the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes prior to browning the sugar on top. Divide the remaining 1/2 cup vanilla sugar equally among the 6 dishes and spread evenly on top. Using a torch, melt the sugar and form a crispy top. Allow the creme brulee to sit for at least 5 minutes before serving.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH???

it's that time again...

Turkey!!!

Christmas is coming. Now is a good time to figure out your turkey recipe! I may, of course happen to have a good one up my sleeve.

Turkey can either be done well or completely massacred. Unfortunately the latter is usually the case. A good brine (have i lost you already?) and a good roasting method and you're good to go.


A brine is exactly what it sounds - a seasoned salt solution that you'll leave the turkey in for 24 hours prior to roasting. A brine breaks down the cellular structure of turkey meat, causing the muscle fibres to contract less when cooked, resulting in a juicier turkey. It's also a great way to add flavor to what is really a bland bird. You'll need a pot big enough to hold a whole turkey - bear that in mind before you start!

I have another secret weapon - a layer of flavored butter under the turkey skin between the breast meat that melts into the meat during cooking.


Kyle's Christmas Turkey

One 12-18lb Turkey (preferably free-range & fresh - no butterballs or self-basting turkeys)

Chicken stock as needed

One gallon of water
One cup kosher salt
One cup maple syrup
3 pieces star anise
3 bay leaves
1/2 cup peppercorns

To make the brine:

Bring water just to a boil, add spices, syrup & salt. mix & let cool. submerge turkey in solution & chill for 24 hours.

**note - if there is not enough brine to cover the turkey, make enough to cover based on the same ratio.

Compound butter

Compound butter
1 lb butter
2 sprigs rosemary
3 sprigs thyme
3 cloves garlic
2 shallots

Mince garlic, shallots, thyme & rosemary. Place butter in a pan with herb mixture, heat over medium until butter is melted and shallots are translucent. pour into a small bowl and chill until firm.

Turkey

Remove turkey from brine, pat dry with paper towel.

***note: do NOT stuff your turkeys. Turkey stuffing is a health hazard. By the time the internal temperature of the stuffing reaches save levels, the turkey around it is overcooked. Not to mention it ends up mushy & gross. There are better ways to make stuffing. Trust me.

Now for the butter! make a small incision with a paring knife at the base of the breast on either side of the breastbone near the cavity. using your fingers, loosen the skin on the breast all the way up to the neck of the bird, on either side of the breastbone. Use about 1/4 of the butter on each breast, pressing it in between the skin and the breast to cover as much breast meat as possible. leave remaining compound butter at room temperature.

Now season the skin & cavity with salt & pepper. Heat oven to 350 degrees.

Place turkey in roasting pan and then on to lower rack of 350 degree oven.

roast for 30 minutes at 350, then reduce to 325 degrees and continue to cook for approx 3 hours, once meat thermometer reads 180 degrees in the thickest part of the bird.

Remove turkey from pan, set aside.

White wine sauce:

Skim as much fat as possible from roasting pan. Place pan directly on burner and set on medium-high heat. add about 1/4 bottle white wine + as much chicken stock necessary to give you 3 cups of liquid. Scrape as many brown bits as possible from the bottom of the pan and continue to reduce until you have about 2 cups left. mix a small amount of flour with an equal portion of remaining compound butter, knead with hands until it resembles play-doh. crumble a small amount into bubbling sauce and whisk vigorously until just thickened.

Slice turkey table side and serve with pan sauce.

OH MY GRAVY! - shut up bitch.

Dear Rachel: I hate you. Love Kyle.

Hate is a strong word. That's why it's perfect.

Rachel Ray, The Food Network's annoying, socially-awkward poster girl is a menace. You can't channel surf without running in to her overly eager mug at least once or twice. She massacres classic recipes with convenient short cuts that shouldn't be taken. I'm watching her cover iceberg lettuce with cocktail sauce and those horrific tiny salad shrimp as i type this.

bitch. i hate you.

Acronyms. Rachel, if you're trying to save people time, don't say "a tablespoon of E.V.O.O." then EXPLAIN to the audience that it stands for extra virgin olive oil. Also, extra virgin olive oil is NOT for everything.

Oprah. What were you thinking. Not only am i exposed to Rachel on the Food Network, but also on local stations with the new Rachel Ray talk show. Thanks for that, Oprah. Not only do we get to watch her cook horrible food, but watch as Hollywood stars wonder who the autistic girl interviewing them is.

Rachel, you're not pretty. not at all.

So I hear your husband cheated on you. You do kinda look like a giant 12 year old. The police should warn every adolescent boy in America that they're his type.

Dear Rachel. More to come.

Love Kyle.

enough with crappy tomatoes.

why even buy them?

February isn't the time to make a caprese salad or that fresh salsa recipe you love so much. Not with the tomatoes in that giant pile of pinkish, pale things that you'll find in the dead of winter.

honestly. they're chalky, hard, and don't taste like tomatoes so much as the box they came in.

You're better off to pay extra for hot house vine ripened tomatoes or just making something else altogether.

Figs!

beauty on the inside.

Many foods throughout nature are expressions of inner beauty. Peels, rinds & shells often disguise treasures to be found within. Figs are perhaps nature's greatest expression of inner beauty; a fruit whose flower grows on the inside.

A fresh fig is a rare thing to find. Incredibly perishable and with a shelf life of only about 2 days, if you buy them, use them right away. And buy them you should.

Supple, floral, honey-sweet and bread like, a fresh fig is incredibly unlike its dried counterpart which can be overly rich and heavy. Fresh figs when trimmed ooze a sweet creamy sap from the stem almost immediately - as if over stuffed with floral honey. They should be soft to the touch but not mushy.

When i see fresh figs in the market i am morally obligated to buy them and roast them up into one of my favorite desserts.

Buy them. Make this. Eat the entire batch recipe, feel bad, then make another batch to share.



Roasted Figs with Mascarpone Cream

Buttery-sweet spiced roasted figs with hazelnut scented mascarpone whipped cream, toasted hazelnuts, balsamic reduction & grated amaretti cookie.

sweet. creamy. tart. rich. crunchy.

16-20 Medium figs, golf-ball sized
2/3 Container Mascarpone Cheese (or cream cheese if you can't find mascarpone)
1/2 litre Whipping Cream
3 tablespoons Frangelico liqueur (optional)
4 tablespoons sugar
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
2 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup normal balsamic vinegar
4-5 Italian Amaretti cookies
1/4 cup toasted hazelnuts
1/4 cup demerera sugar

Mascarpone Cream

Mix the mascarpone, whipping cream and sugar with an electric mixer on low speed until combined, then on high speed until very thick. Add Frangelico and mix briefly. Chill.

Balsamic Reduction

Pour the balsamic vinegar into a small saucepan and set on medium-high until it comes to a light boil. continue to boil intil vinegar has reduced by 2/3 and is thick and syrupy. set aside.

Roasted Figs

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.

Trim stems of figs 1/4 inch. Make 2 slices through each fig about one inch deep through the stem, making 4 equal sections. line figs as close together as possible in a roasting pan. Mix butter, cinnamon and nutmeg, and spoon a small amount of the butter into the opening of each fig. scatter any leftover butter on top. evenly coat each fig with demerera sugar.

Place in oven, watching closely for 8-10 minutes, or until sugar caramelized and figs are syrupy.

To Serve

3-4 Figs per person on small plate, large dollop of mascarpone cream, drizzle of balsamic reduction, a few chopped hazelnuts & finished with an amaretti cookie grated on top.

serves 4-5.

Summer BBQ!